credit: Tunis ByNightt/Youtube/RCA/Legend/Universal Pictures

bad hombres

In Case You Didn’t Know: the Macarena is a song about the worst day of some poor dude’s life.

02/16/17 Jason Marcus

If you were born after 1993, you remember the cultural phenomenon known as “the Macarena.”

Youtube/RCA
Unless you’re suffering from some kind of head wound, you probably still know all the moves that go with that catchy Spanish dance song. Don’t be embarrassed, it got everyone — even Hillary Clinton. The entire nation was swept up harder than the floor en la cocina when Abuela thinks “good” company is coming over.

IMO, it was the biggest not-translated-from-Spanish hit since “Tequila” by the Champs.

giphy-3
Pee-wee’s Big Adventure/Warner Bros.
For over two decades, its contagious rhythm and low difficulty have infected tacky weddings like a danceable version of the herpes virus. It reinvigorated America’s love for what it doesn’t understand and picked up where “the Electric Slide” left off–without even sounding like a ride for death row inmates at an execution-themed amusement park.

The song is a classic tale of ‘boy meets girl.’

La Bamba/Sony Pictures
It’s about a guy named Vitorino who has a girlfriend named Macarena. Stop me if you’ve heard this one–wait!

BUT there’s a catch!

NBATV/ESPN
Vitorino has been drafted! Our boy’s goin’ pro—oh, no! He’s going to Minnesota—wait! It’s even worse than that! How could that even be?!

Vitorino gets drafted into the military!

Across the Universe/Revolution Studios
—oh, no!

Then, while he’s away at war, Macarena cheats on him!

Credit: RCA
These are the ACTUAL lyrics in the song:
“Now, come on. What was I supposed to do? He was out of town and his two friends were sooo fine!”
Basically, she participated in a devil’s three-way while her boyfriend was in the trenches protecting her right to do so.

With TWO of his “friends!”

How I Met Your Mother/CBS
—a couple of draft-dodging Judases!

What a f*cking nightmare?!

Saving Private Ryan/Amblin Entertainment
Imagine that, by some miracle, Vitorino isn’t dismembered or killed in battle, so he returns home, unscathed by the mental horrors of war. Then, a car blasting Los Del Rio on the radio picks him up from the airport. The catchy melody of haunting betrayal triggers previously dormant PTSD symptoms as he hears “the Macarena” for the first time…

Suddenly, he realizes why his girlfriend stopped responding to his letters and then either reenlists or hangs up his dancing shoes forever.

Married With Children/Fox
I started writing this piece because I woke up with the song stuck in my head. Now that it’s finished, I hope to finally be rid of it — unlike Vitorino — the vet who’s still at war with the soundtrack to the battle inside his broken heart.

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